Me     Union Flag
If you're    ready for a zombie apocalypse, then you're ready for any emergency.

Welcome to my test page!

(Still under construction - aren't we all?)
IPv6 Day IPv6 Day
Head Banging
"I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code."
Get A Kit, Make A Plan, Be Prepared.
Here are some things I find amusing:
(They all probably exist in some form or other elsewhere on the Internet, but I present them here for your convenience and enjoyment.)

         Click the Toggle expansion to see the details...

Note:  You may notice a very slight British bïas in some of these jokes and stories.  That might be because I am British (note also the flag above - this is usually a dead giveaway!)

 +  The Complete Military History of France...
 +  European Threat Levels Raised
 +  Three groups head to Africa to hunt elephants...
 +  Why Men Are Happier Than Women...
 +  Why Dogs Are Better Than Women...
 +  There are 10 kinds of people in the world...
 +  They Really Said That?
 +  Oxymoron: a rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined...
 +  Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work...
   A New Language For Europe...
   Programmer’s Shampoo...
   Programmer's Insomnia...
   If Edgar Allen Poe Had Had A Computer...
   UN Survey...
   A young couple in love...
   We contend...
   Ode to the Spell Checker...
   Conversions Made Easy
   A more accurate version of an old joke...
   A blonde joke with a difference...
   Heavenly HMO...
   A Legal Lexus Loss...
   Mechanical analogy...
   Judging Curry...
   What are others for?
   Here is a collection of puns that only a C# programmer could appreciate:
   Here is a collection of jokes that only a science nerd could appreciate:

Robert's List of the Greatest of All Time: Actors

Name Was great In...
Alan Rickman British Actor Galaxy Quest; Harry Potter series; Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves; Die Hard; Dogma; Love Actually; The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; Blow Dry
Alec Guinness, Sir British Actor Kind Hearts and Coronets; Last Holiday; The Lavender Hill Mob; Malta Story; Father Brown; The Ladykillers; The Bridge on the River Kwai; Our Man in Havana; Star Wars (trilogy); Smiley's People and Tinker; Tailor; Soldier; Spy
Alistair Sim, Sir British Actor Scrooge (AKA "A Christmas Carol" in the USA); Green For Danger; The Happiest Days of Your Life; The Belles of St Trinian's; Blue Murder at St Trinian's; The Pure Hell of St Trinian's; The Great St Trinian's Train Robbery
Anthony Hopkins, Sir British Actor  
Bob Hope British Actor  
Burt Lancaster  
Cary Grant British Actor  
Charlton Heston  
Christopher Reeve  
Clark Gable  
Claude Rains  
Clint Eastwood  
Daniel Craig British Actor  
David Niven British Actor A Matter of Life and Death (AKA "Stairway to Heaven" in the USA); First of the Few; Guns of Navarone
Donald Sutherland British Actor  
Ed Harris  
Errol Flynn  
Fred Astaire  
Gary Cooper  
Gary Oldman  
George C. Scott  
George Cole British Actor Scrooge (AKA "A Christmas Carol" in the USA); The Happiest Days of Your Life
Gene Kelly Anchors Aweigh; Singing in the Rain; An American in Paris; Brigadoon
Gregory Peck To Kill a Mockingbird; Roman Holiday; The Yearling; Twelve O'Clock High; Captain Horatio Hornblower; The Purple Plain; Moby Dick; Pork Chop Hill; On the Beach; Guns of Navarone; MacArthur; The Sea Wolves; The Boys from Brazil
Harrison Ford Blade Runner; Star Wars trilogy; What Lies Beneath; Indiana Jones series; Firewall; Force 10 from Navarone; Witness; Frantic; Presumed Innocent; Regarding Henry; Patriot Games; The Fugitive; Clear and Present Danger; Sabrina; Air Force One; Random Hearts; K-19: The Widowmaker; Extraordinary Measures; Cowboys & Aliens
Henry Fonda  
Hume Cronyn  
Humphrey Bogart  
Ian Holm, Sir British Actor  
Ian McKellan, Sir British Actor  
Jack Hawkins British Actor  
Jack Nicholson  
James Mason British Actor  
James Stewart  
John Geilgud, Sir British Actor  
John Lithgow  
John Mills, Sir British Actor  
John Wayne  
Jude Law British Actor AI
Kenneth Branagh British Actor  
Kenneth More, Sir British Actor Reach For the Sky; Genevieve; The Longest Day; Battle of Britain; Sink the Bismarck! (Generally, every single thing he did.)
Kevin Spacey Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil; American Beauty; The Usual Suspects
Kirk Douglas Spartacus, The Vikings
Laurence Olivier, Sir British Actor (Everything he ever did.)
Lionel Jeffries British Actor  
Marius Goring British Actor A Matter of Life and Death (AKA "Stairway to Heaven" in the USA)
Max von Sydow  
Michael Caine, Sir British Actor  
Michael Horden British Actor Scrooge (AKA "A Christmas Carol" in the USA)
Michael Redgrave British Actor  
Morgan Freeman  
Nigel Green British Actor  
Orson Welles  
Paul Newman  
Pete Postlethwaite British Actor  
Peter O'Toole British Actor  
Peter Ustinov, Sir British Actor  
Ralph Fiennes British Actor  
Ralph Richardson, Sir British Actor  
Ray Milland British Actor  
Raymond Massey  
Richard Attenborough, Sir British Actor  
Richard Briers British Actor  
Richard Greene British Actor  
Richard Harris British Actor  
Richard Todd British Actor  
Robert Carlyle British Actor  
Robert Duvall  
Robert Mitchum Thirty Seconds over Tokyo; Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison; The Enemy Below; The Hunters; Cape Fear; The Longest Day; Anzio; Ryan's Daughter; Farewell, My Lovely; Midway; The Big Sleep; The Winds of War
Robert Redford  
Roddy McDowell British Actor  
Roger Livesay British Actor The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp; I Know Where I'm Going!; A Matter of Life and Death (AKA "Stairway to Heaven" in the USA)
Russell Crowe L.A. Confidential; Mystery, Alaska; The Insider; Gladiator; A Beautiful Mind; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World; Cinderella Man; Robin Hood
Sam Kydd British Actor The Blue Lamp; Father Brown; The 39 Steps; I'm All Right Jack; The Cruel Sea; Sink the Bismarck; Too Late the Hero; The Yangtse Incident; Reach for the Sky; Eye of the Needle
Sam Rockwell  
Sean Connery, Sir British Actor The Longest Day; The Man Who Would Be King; James Bond series; The Rock; Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves; Robin and Marian; A Bridge Too Far; Highlander; The Name of the Rose; The Untouchables; The Presidio; Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade; The Hunt for Red October; The Russia House; Rising Sun; A Good Man in Africa; Dragonheart; The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Simon Pegg British Actor Shaun of the Dead; Hot Fuzz; Star Trek; Burke and Hare; A Fantastic Fear of Everything; Mission Impossible; Ready Player One; The World's End; Paul; lot's of other stuff...
Spencer Tracy  
Stanley Baker, Sir British Actor  
Stephen Fry British Actor Peter's Friends; I.Q.; Wilde; Gosford Park; V for Vendetta; The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy; Eichmann; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows; The Hobbit: There and Back Again
Steve Buscemi  
Tom Hanks  
Tom Wilkinson British Actor  
Trevor Howard British Actor  
Walter Pidgeon Mrs. Miniver; Forbidden Planet; Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea; Funny Girl
Wilford Brimley  
Wilfred Hyde-White British Actor  
Yul Brinner  

Robert's List of the Greatest of All Time: Actresses

Name Was great In...
Amy Adams  
Anne Hathaway  
Audrey Hepburn Roman Holiday, Sabrina, War and Peace, Funny Face, The Nun's Story, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Charade, Paris When it Sizzles, My Fair Lady, How to Steal a Million, Wait Until Dark, Robin and Marian, Always
Brenda Blethyn British Actor  
Cate Blanchet  
Charlize Theron  
Deborah Kerr British Actor  
Elizabeth Montgomery  
Emma Thompson British Actor  
Helen Mirren, Dame British Actor  
Helena Bonham Carter British Actor  
Ingrid Bergman  
Irene Dunn  
Janet Leigh  
Jenny Agutter British Actor  
Jessica Tandy  
Joan Plowright, Dame British Actor  
Joanna Lumley British Actor  
Joyce Grenfell British Actor Genevieve, The Happiest Days of Your Life, The Belles of St Trinian's, Blue Murder at St Trinian's, The Pure Hell of St Trinian's, The Yellow Rolls-Royce
Judi Dench, Dame British Actor  
Julie Andrews, Dame British Actor  
Kate Beckinsale British Actor  
Katherine Hepburn  
Kim Hunter  
Kristin Scott Thomas British Actor  
Leslie Caron  
Lynn Redgrave British Actor  
Magaret Rutherford, Dame British Actor  
Maggie Smith, Dame British Actor  
Maureen Stapleton  
Naomi Watts  
Natalie Wood  
Rachel Weisz British Actor Chain Reaction; The Mummy; The Mummy Returns; Beautiful Creatures; Enemy at the Gates; About a Boy; Runaway Jury; Constantine; The Constant Gardener; The Lovely Bones; The Deep Blue Sea;
Sandra Bullock  
Sigourney Weaver  
Vanessa Redgrave British Actor  
Vivien Leigh, Lady Olivier British Actor  
Zooey Deschanel  

Robert's List of the Most Overrated: Actors & Actresses

Name Why I think so...
Richard Burton, Sir He was always Richard Burton. In all his movies he always appeared to be Richard Burton playing the part of the given character rather than being the given character.
Robert De Niro Same problem as with Richard Burton - although not quite as bad. In most of his movies he appeared to be more of a caricature of the given character rather than a realistic representation. Subtle he is not. His attempts at humour have mostly been farcical and crude, showing his propensity to profanity, or vituperation at least, as a prop for comedy or for drama in other movies (although this is probbaly due to the scriptwriters bending to his profile). Not everything he has done has been bad; he was good in "Heat" where he didn't speak very much.
Al Pacino  
Julia Roberts  
Meryl Streep  
Sharon Stone  
Susan Sarandon  

Robert's Recommendations: Movies

Title Category Starring Comments
A Christmas Carol
aka: Scrooge
Xmas / Fantasy Alistair Sim, Mervyn Johns, Michael Hordern, George Cole, Brian Worth, Francis de Wolff, Michael Dolan and a bunch of other people. A classic Christmas movie based on the novel by Charles Dickens.

Although this is not the only version of this movie, this is the best. Alistair Sim is the definitive Scrooge and all others have failed to displace him from that position - although George C. Scott's version in 1984 came the closest.

Originally released in Black & White, it was a wonderful, atmospheric film, but a more recent, "colorized" version (I would say "colourised" but I don't think that word actually exists in proper English) was surprisingly successful in adding a depth and richness to the original that just made it better than ever.

A wonderful film of ultimate redemption and a message that it is never too late to change your ways.
(1982, 1991, 2007)
Sci-Fi Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos, M. Emmet Walsh, Daryl Hannah, William Sanderson and a bunch of other people. The greatest science fiction film of all time.

Based on the original book "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" by Philip K. Dick published in 1986. It is set in a post-apocalyptic near future, where the Earth and its population have been damaged by a nuclear war and many have left to populate off-world colonies.

Four main versions now exist (excluding an early test print "work-print version" now released in the special five-disc boxed "Final Cut" DVD set):
* The 1982 original US theatrical release done in a film noir style, complete with an excellent and atmospheric voice-over by Harrison Ford, and finishing with the hope of happiness for two of the leading characters.
* By far the best version is the 1982 "International Cut" release which is longer and includes more violent action scenes than the US version. This was re-released in 1992 as the "10th Anniversary" edition.
* The 1991 "Director's Cut" wherein the director, breaking free of the producers' control butchered this marvellous film to make his "preferred" version. Changes include: deleting Harrison Ford's voice-over, removing the "happy" final sequence to leave an undefined ending and having a unicorn running around loose in a dream sequence spliced in for no apparent reason except to contradict the original book even more.
* "The Final Cut" (the "25th Anniversary Edition") was released on a special DVD set in 2007. Ridley Scott does a George Lucas and revisits his movie with a restoration special effects team in tow. Many of the more dodgy effects are cleaned up and a few scenes slightly changed and rearranged but nothing is significantly different from the flawed Director's Cut version.
(The best reason to buy the Final Cut set is that a good quality, 1982 original European/Asian release version (the International Cut mentioned above) is included on DVD for the first time.)
The May 1982 San Diego Sneak Preview and the butchered US CBS broadcast version (1986) aren't really worth mentioning - but I have anyway for completeness.
War / Drama Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Paul Henreid, Claude Rains, Conrad Veidt, Sydney Greenstreet, Peter Lorre and a bunch of other people. Boy this movie is full of clichés! Couldn't they think of anything original to put in the script?

Oh... wait... This is the original stuff! This movie is the source of more well known sayings than any other I can think of!

A fantastic film!
Galaxy Quest
Comedy / Sci-Fi Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman, Tony Shalhoub, Sam Rockwell and a bunch of other people. For any Star Trek fan that can laugh at themselves and their heroes, this is the parody to see.

It is funny without being cruel, and unlike many other parodies, it can actually stand up as a fun movie in its own right.
It's a Wonderful Life
Xmas / Fantasy James Stewart, Donna Reed, Henry Travers, Lionel Barrymore, Thomas Mitchell, H.B. Warner, Frank Faylen, Ward Bond and a bunch of other people. Directed by Frank Capra, this is a classic Christmas movie.

If you need me to explain it any more to you... where have you been living all your life?

A fantastic, happy ending film!
Historic Drama Sir Stanley Baker, Sir Michael Caine, Jack Hawkins, Ulla Jacobsson, James Booth, Nigel Green and a bunch of other people. This is a movie about the bloody 12 hour Battle of Rorke's Drift that took place over the 22nd and 23rd of January, 1879 shortly after the British Army had just suffered one of its worst defeats when a huge force of Zulu warriors had ambushed and massacred over 1,700 of British and native troops at Isandlhwana. After the annihilation, over 4000 Zulu warriors then advanced on a British hospital and supply dump guarded by only 139 Welsh infantrymen. An officer from the Royal Engineers, Lieutenant John Chard (played by the incredible Sir Stanley Baker) happened to be in the area building a bridge. He also happened to be slightly senior to the very English infantry officer,Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead, in charge of the base (played perfectly by the wonderfully talented Sir Michael Caine) and took command.

The men defending the base between them won 11 Victoria Crosses - the highest award for gallantry in the British Army - and the most won in any single battle in history.

A few artistic liberties were taken with history but otherwise the film follows reality fairly closely - including properly identifying the Victoria Cross winners.

There is an inspiring scene where the Welshmen are defiantly singing "Men of Harlech" in response to an ultimately futile attempt by the Zulus to unnerve the British troops with mass chanting and spear rattling (which itself is pretty impressive and would have scared the willies out of me!) that shows why the British could rule the world so effectively for a while.

Another fantastic film!
Note: By the way; please be aware of another attempt at a period Zulu movie called "Zulu Dawn" which, although made fifteen years later in 1979, purports to be a "prequel" to this excellent movie showing the events leading up to and including the previously mentioned ambush at Isandlhwana. It is full of stars such as Peter O'Toole, Burt Lancaster, Simon Ward, Denholm Elliot, Bob Hoskins, James Faulkner, Peter Vaughn and several other actors who should have known better but were obviously short of money at the time. This movie is horrendously slow and plodding, the action sequences (basically one big massacre at the end of the movie) are poorly directed, unclear and confusing with no particular flow or consistency. NOT recommended!

Robert's Recommendations: Websites

The English to American Dictionary.
An A-to-Zed dictionary of British
Slang words and phrases, written
by a Scotsman living in America;
with help from Forogar!
The Septic's Companion | British Slang Dictionary Note: No longer active.
The Code Project is a place where
developers can contribute their own
ideas, share their own code, and just
hang out and help each other learn.
Click here to view the latest updates.
Notepad++ is a free source code
editor and Notepad replacement.
Click here to see the Wiki.